Brain Dump
I am just 1 of the 0.3 percent of males with Anorexia Nervosa. So at least I’m lucky enough to have gotten that. I’m just kidding it sucks. It may not be worse than an eating disorder. But being a male in treatment can be incredibly difficult. A sort of cultural shock or something. I know that I’m not the only male in treatment. It is very rare however to be in treatment with a male other than my reflection. It’s hard to connect with other patients I would often feel as if I were an outsider. So just like that, the eating disorder isolates me, in turn getting what it wants.
By letting my eating disorder convince me that because I am a male with an eating disorder, I am not welcome in that environment. Looking back on that time in treatment, taking time to reflect. I know that I was not considered an outsider at all. Everyone welcomed me with arms wide open. It was the eating disorder, creeping in through the cracks. Through my insecurities that I constantly try to perfect or hide. It’s incredibly easy to get caught in the trap the eating disorder thoughts create. Thoughts that have been created by a mind that has been corrupted.
The mind can be and often is brilliant. That same mind more often than not can cripple the body that enslaves it. I do not believe for a second that it does this on purpose. I think that when we are in distress or a mental hell. Created by emotionally vacant parents, a narcissistic mother, and a father that never knew what a father was supposed to be. Our minds create ways of coping with mental stress, depression, anxiety, insert here. I became a perfectionist, very insecure, paranoid that everyone hated me. I felt that I took up to much space. Sometimes I still feel that way. From all of that the eating disorder was born. During treatment, my mind began to try and cope with my insecurities and the feeling of being an outsider.
The way it started to cope was with deep reflection and self-discovery. Or so I thought. What was happening was to try and fit in I started questioning my masculinity. I am sure I can’t be the only guy that has gone to treatment for an eating disorder and questioned his masculinity. Eating Disorders are a “ women’s mental illness” right? I didn’t discover that I was apart of the LGBTQ community or anything. I did learn that regardless of gender or who you choose to love. We are all humans, we are all trying, we are all fighting our own battles. Show compassion we could all use it these days.
Ramble on.
Zac
